Tag Archives: sad days

Beyond the construction barriers..

I started Raspberry Daydreams, because I was exploring Life.. well, to put it plainly- I didn’t know what I want in life.

 I knew a list of things I enjoyed and the things I dislike.. with the information in mind, I made plans for 2015- I  wanted take a break, start a family, travel and explore new cafes with Blueberry.

Then shit happened.

Most of the plans didn’t come to pass.. At the end of 2015, I was shattered and couldn’t help to wonder if sharing(my plans on my blog) jinxed my future. It took sometime, before I could let go of my disappointments (and other emotional baggage) and be at peace.

180115 underconstruction-future

I know God has plans for me… but from my perspective, my future seems to be under construction- Danger, Keep out! I don’t know what’s beyond these barriers.. guess I’ve to believe they are good plans.

Anyway, back to the story.. It’s been 2 years since I started this blog, and I still don’t know what I want in life.

I thought I knew,  and I made plans.. but they don’t seem work out.. *puzzled*

Maybe all these planning and goal setting isn’t the way to go.. Perhaps, I should stop what I’ve been doing and just go with the flow.. Is that how life should be?

Even though I can’t predict the future, I can’t help thinking how things would turn out to be. 🙂

“When will I have kids? When will I see the cherry blossoms?”

I guess I won’t know the things (beyond the construction barrier) for now.

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Waking up..

toothbrush

When I’m feeling blue, waking up becomes a challenge.

 As much as I want to stay in bed the whole day, I know it’ll make me feel even worse. To prevent myself from feeling worse, I force myself to go through the morning routine.

Brush teeth.. Shower.. Have breakfast..

Every little step is a victory for me.. It helps me to start the day and feel better about myself. 🙂

For an (extra)ordinary orange seed..

For my little orange seed..

For my little orange seed..

It was a positive sign!

We were over the moon. 🙂

The symptoms started.. satiety, nausea, bloating, breast tenderness.

Then one night, the bleeding started.

.. my extraordinary orange seed was gone.

☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁

During this week, I experienced a chemical pregnancy. Even though it’s a loss, I don’t want to think of it as a miscarriage (considering the fact the pregnancy is at a very early stage and there were no hospitalization/procedures done). I’m sad and disappointed, but I believe everything happens for a reason.

The road to getting pregnant hasn’t been easy.

End of last year, we wanted to get pregnant. Just as we decided, I started experiencing health issues. The occurrence the symptoms baffled me, because I’ve been healthy most of my life.

From the family doctors to hospitals I went.. Lots of tablets and creams I took.

I remembered telling myself, “I guess this is how people feel when they are told to take long-term medication.” The thought of poping medications everyday was no fun.

Eventually, the health issues resolved over 5 months.. and I got weaned off from the medications. Thank God!

Starting from April, we tried.. and this has been the closest we have gotten to.

Though it was brief, it was nice to experience pregnancy.. I believe this will prepare me to cope better(in the early stages) when the time comes.

Dear Blueberry, thank you for being here during this journey.. I know God will bless us with a bundle of joy when the time comes. I love you banyak banyak.

Journey through Hell..

Feet don't fail me now, bring me to the finish line..

Feet don’t fail me now, bring me to the finish line..

Ps: This is not one of those uplifting posts.. If you’re not in the mood for sad stories, please don’t go ahead.

Last year was the worst year of my life.

My year started with me being jobless.. It took me 3 months before I could secure a job.

During the 3 months, things were not well with my mother. I had a big fight with her, because of my cat (I had no choice to adopted my cat early, due to a pressing issue.. shan’t go into that today).. My mother hated cats and would do anything to get rid of it.

My in-laws weren’t pleased with me being unemployed.

When one is out of job, people tend to assume the non-working person has nothing to do all day. I naturally became the “person-of-choice” to bring my mother-in-law for all her medical appointments. Though I was glad to help, it bothered me alittle when I was expected to accommodate to my mother-in-law’s schedule.

Despite the multiple doctors appointments, her condition worsen.. the frequencies of the clinic visits increased, so did the hospitalizations too. In mid June, she passed away in the comfort of her home.

Everyone was deeply saddened. My father-in-law was the most devastated by my mother-in-law’s passing.. Worried for his wellbeing, Blueberry and I moved in with my father-in-law.

Around the same time, I left my job.. The place we now live is far from my workplace; commuting to work would take 2.5 hours.

We adapted well to the new environment.. It was a joy staying with my father-in-law. Just as I thought life was starting to improve, my beloved family pet was diagnosed with cancer- oral melanoma.

Several times in a week, I traveled back and forth to visit Doggie. Despite all the efforts my family and I had put in, Doggie deteriorated quickly. He passed at the end of Nov.. 7 weeks, after his first diagnosis.

There was a constant deep sadness in me, throughout my journey in 2014..

After my mother-in-law and Doggie passed, pieces of me died. I’m still trying to recover from the events.. the sight of hospital wards, vet clinics and hospitals supplies makes me shudder.

Although the past is over, I still feel a lingering sense of melancholy..

Job Hunt

Never did I think that I would be going through this…

Been busy with interviews since last week… it hasn’t been good so far…

After going for 2 interviews, I realized my social skills have deteriorated (from staying at home during these few months)… the amount of research I’ve done on the companies were insufficient… to make things worse, I’ve forgotten what were the common interview questions too..

It crushed me.

To prevent the nightmare from happening again, I read up on the common interview questions… and did my homework before the next interview.

The interview went well… unfortunately, my potential workplace wasn’t agreeable to match my previous offer. 😦

Job hunt has never felt so depressing before.